ghoustintheshell

The graveyard.

I am going to write about people. Because they`re my obsession. Because I take people personally. 

People die. And they are supposed to know that. But it seems they don`t care. People have just this one life, but they`re acting like they are going to get born again , and again.

People get their precious moments of happiness very rarely, but soon as they get happy, they start looking arrogant like they own a world, like just a moment before they weren`t miserable. 

People get killed every day, but still they keep on killing themselves in a variety of ways. Like they want to die. Like they dying to cut that tiny rope of life, like there is a life after life, like they are going to get another chance, like it is not important.

Yes, I take it personally. Because, there were people who didn`t want to go, but had to. Because of these who don`t wanna die. Because of graveyards filled  with brave hearts and living world filled with corps. I take every death personally.

Betsi_Trotvud 

Familiy itch

I love my family.

I hate it too.

Sometimes I hate my friends. Well, I hate them more often than sometimes. Him?! I hate him every single moment of evey day. I hate him so much, that I can`t forget him. As long as I hate you, you`re going nowhere. And more important, as long as I hate those beloved people, I am going nowhere. 

For some reason I can`t let people go. Cause, sincerely, somewhere deep inside I believe in people. And I believe in people, because I don`t believe in anything else. I don`t believe in politics, in God, in love, in knowledge. I don`t believe in marriage, I don`t believe in divorce too. I don`t believe in faith, in better times, in friendship in good will. I don`t believe in parents, I don`t believe in church, I don`t believe in cabbage or carrot. I just don`t. I lost my faith in motherhood, in womanhood. In manhood or fatherhood I`ve never believed. I don`t believe in flowers, I don`t believe in bees. I just don`t. But I do believe in every single person i know. That`s why I need meds when some of them take their lives away. It`s like that funny story about God: You may not believe in God, but he certainly does believe in you.

And all those people are breaking my heart right now. Because somehow, I blame them for bad things that`s happening to them. Because I don`t believe in coincidence either. Let me introduce my self, Peter-the stone without faith. Funny, isn`t it?

Betsi_Trotvud 

Maybe I don`t know what I want to be, but I know what I don`t want to be. I don`t want to be like you.

Like Reachel said once: I was trying so hard not to be like my mother, that I became my father.

Me was trying to avoid mistakes of my very best friends, that I became like all these other people, I never even considered like personalities. I became nothing. So it made me think: I need to make mistakes, or I am going to end up like one of those losers, going nowhere, while just siting and talking about others mistakes and efforts. 

I always considered losers like dangerous people. I don`t know why I never saw, that these are just those without gains or losses, going nowhere, while adopting bad habits. Life without meaning. Going nowhere. And it is not just that they consider themselves normal, they consider themselves important. And how come that good, diligent and valuable people are so insecure, and those fools are so self-confident? 

And I wonder, every day, what`s wrong with you people? How come you don`t want to be better, more human and progressive? How come, while you are fooling yourself around, you want to make others to believe in you? And most important, how could you wait for true love or true friendship, while you are not real at all?

Betsi Trotvud